I THINK I LOVE/HATE PEOPLE. i havent decided which yet.

Foul

Am I wrong in saying what I find to be true?

"I'm sick of the clones. I look around and I see a generation squandered; I see a generation lost to the media, to the mainstream, to whats in and whats not. I see a generation taken down by their own will. I'm sick of everyone being the same. I'm sick of the conformity. I'm sick of the constant stream of monotony. People dont realize it because they are so submerged in their own self serving shit. If everyone is the same, no one realizes that they aren't their own person. I wish we could listen to ourselves and how awful we are. You could put all the people at our school in one vast room and record it, and all you would hear is dull, white noise. This is the death of originality; of unique ability; of human possibility. And I hate to see such beauty and hope turned into vile human waste. We are the architects of our own destruction, and our foundation is crumbling.

Take a page from Thoreau's book and go live in a cabin for two years. And when you come back, I want you to try to look me in the eye and tell me I'm wrong.

In the world I see, society is based on the majority. And I'm not prominent enough to even make a dent. Lets just say, if I turned up missing one day, not much would change. And the last thing I want is for people to change. I dont think being a 'beacon' necessarily works. I can honestly say I am a complete individual without being boastful or saying such a statement with pride. Its not like a medal of honor or an award you pin onto the breast pocket of your shirt. Its an honest to god fact. I dont want to change anyone. That is not what I'm going for. That is the last thing I'm going for. I just wish some people would poke their heads from out under the sand and care to notice that a vast majority of at least the highschool people are distinguishably identical. We're all individuals, but individually we dont add up to much...All individuals, but there is a sick underlying tone of loss of purpose. Loss of spark. Its like we're going out, a fuse has popped and we're slowly fading. I dont want to live in a world of doused candles and broken lamps. But at this point, its too dark to see whats right in front of our nose. Its sad really. Because we can make such music, such art, such beauty.

Its like, I know laundry loads of people who persistently work themselves to the bone in the efforts of their studies, they want to get into great colleges and get a respectable job. I love this ideal. The problem is, no one knows what they want to do. They know they're trying to get somewhere, but they dont know where. And its just sad.

*I'm not being a bitch or snotty or thinking everyone should change. I'm just looking at us from a step back and simply saying what I appear to notice."

What the hell is up with everyone saying "rude"?

I mean, I get it. We all have our friends and when we are around them enough, we start showing some of the same traits and qualities. But that doesnt mean we have to lose ourself.

I want to meet someone. Thats what is so good about him. He's a breath of fresh air. And I love him for it. AND thats why I appreciate Walker Mills so goddamn much! He's so... himself.

And I'm not trying to change anyone, because I believe everyone has the right to be anyone they choose. I dont want to change anyone. I'm not that kind of person. I just... I dont know. I really dont know. There is just something deeply wrong with it all. NO, NOT WRONG. Just unsettling perhaps..

I think too much.

Random Attack!

I'm reading The Pilot's Wife now. Its by the same Anita Shreve woman, the same person who wrote The Last Time They Met (the previous book I was reading before). So far, I like it alot. And hell, even Oprah likes it; its made the list for her book club or something, so you know its gotta be good... I mean, c'mon. ITS OPRAH.

Anywho, I'm totally loving the rain! I love all the seasons and the weather each season brings, but I truly, sincerely LOVE the rain. Its so cozy. And it creates such beautiful scenery. I love being surrounded by the breathtaking.

In other news, I'm drowning in homework! Woohoo! But I'm not worried, I have taught myself to expel worry from my bones. At least, when it comes to school... Dance is another issue though. Perhaps I should have my priorities reversed...?

nah.

Oh, and I'm thinking about getting straight across bangs. I'm really digging the idea actually. Because I get so bored with my hair! And I'm fairly adventurous... But if I dont do ANYTHING with it, I'm just going to end up chopping it all off. And that would NOT be good.

p.s. I love partnering with Nate. He's really lighthearted but still 'professional' or whatnot. There's this section in It's A Deal and he has the BEST face ever. Its happy? And a little silly. But totally in character and charismatic. I crack up EVERY TIME. Because, I dont know, it just makes me happy. Partnering with him makes me really enjoy dance. And I havent completely enjoyed dance for some time now. OKAY. Dont give me some obnoxious crap like: "Oh, do you like him? *wink, wink* But you know he has a girlfriend!" or some bull like that. I just have a fantastic time dancing with Nate. He's truly wonderful. Isnt that enough??

p.s.s I've re-found the joys of Pokemon. Praise jesus!

p.s.s.s(?) I'm choreographing for the workshop for CWB. Regrets? YUP. It's going to be to Pie Jesu or there is a tiny chance it will be to Vivaldi's Winter.... Either way. It'll sure be a hoot. (click the links!)

Here's to you, my dear.

Happy Valentine's Day everyone! I don't have a special friend or a boy or a lover, husband, or life partner. So perhaps I cant fully appreciate Valentine's Day.... But just the same, I'd like to say that I love You. You being my friends. My true friends. My sisters. My better halves, quarters, and eighths. If you're reading this, you know who you are. You light up my sky, like a bright brilliant sun. With You, I laugh until my sides ache and burn, and then I laugh some more. I can talk about anything with You. You've always stood by me, through thick and thin. We've shared so many fond memories, and I know there are decades of nostalgia to come. I love You so much. You truly make my life possible.

So here's to You. Happy Valentine's Day. I Love You.

Loss

This Wednesday at approximately 4:30 am, my grandmother passed away. Its sad; a tragic loss. Its hard to lose a loved one. Its like a small pebble dropped in a placid pond: it still makes a big wake. But I have to say, death has probably been the best thing to happen to my grandma in the past four years. Now, before you judge, you have to understand. My grandfather died before my grandmother. He was her everything. If you read a previous post of mine, you'll see that she gave up EVERYTHING she wanted out of her life just to be with him. And I respect pure and true love like theirs.

So after he died, she sort of slipped out of reality. It was like life had no further meaning. Food was tasteless; her thirst unquenchable. She had literally lost her other half; he was ripped away from her. Soon after his shortcoming, she started to show heavy signs of dementia. It was absolutely painful to watch. To see some one's mind slowly deteriorate in front of you is something you don't simply forget. And she grieved. She grieved like every yesterday was her husband's death. Eventually, she truly lost sight of reality and was unable to take care of herself. She was put into a nursing facility four years ago, and her health had been a steady decline ever since. She was depressed and always thought Hank, my grandpa, was in the other room, and she was just waiting for him to get her and leave and go back home. It tore my mom and aunt apart, it was impossibly challenging for them to deal with it. Because they already lost their dad, and they were watching their mother slip away.

Four years later after surgeries and multiple medical treatments, my grandmother passed away peacefully. Now she's finally with my grandfather. And although I have no grandparents now, and my mother has no mother or father of her own, I cant help but think:

this is for the best.

Joe Blow

I had a pretty decent day today. School was... educational. Basically. I got to spend a quite time alone at lunch in the library, which I adored! (fact: I love working and being alone. Its spending good quality time with yourself!) I always feel so accomplished.

Anywho, dance was good as well. I feel like the show is finally coming along (cross your fingers!!). I had alot of rehearsals with Nate. He's new and WONDERFUL. Oh god, he's so funny, too. He was a blast to work with (not to mention I kneed him IN THE KNEE. That hurt. Both of us. But mainly him...hehe).

And now I'm jamming to music while doing (attempting) my homework. Ahh, the joys of procrastination!

LOVE IT!!!

Oh dear lord baby jesus.

We learned the rest of the dance TEXT@INBOX.COM and it is the funniest thing I have ever been apart of. Maybe. I dunno, but its great. Its fun and secretly perverse and just UGHHH! Its just so ludicrous its perfect. I cant wait to really get it down cold.

The only problem is that my normal partner wasn't here, so I had to do it with this other guy, WHICH WAS AWESOME. He's a really great partner and a terrific sport about the whole thing. Its just going to be hard for him, and this other guy that was absent, to catch on. Let the frustration ensue...

But it'll work!

(knock on wood..)

I do believe in fairies. I do! I do!

Have I spoken about the Book Fairy? No? Well here it goes:

I typically try to read before I go to sleep. I usually doze off mid-word with the book on my chest, heaving up and down with the pace of my breathing. So this one night, when I was still reading The Last Time They Met, I fell asleep while reading (no surprise there). Previously I had been using an old, used up gift card from Yogurt Mill as a bookmark, so when I woke up, I saw instead of a plastic card, A DOLLAR BILL. Just sitting. In my book. THE BOOK FAIRY CAME! :) I personally think that is the most awesome thing that has happened to me in a while. And I'm soooo not going to question it.

Now, I have to read Siddhartha for school. Siddhartha is about enlightenment, the eightfold path, Buddhism, and finding/losing one's Self. Also, a main issue in the novel is materialism and money. And guess what I'm using as a bookmark: THE DOLLAR BILL. Does anyone else see the irony in this?? It seriously cracks me up and brightens my day.

Ahh, the little things...