and another one bites the dust.

Don't I know you..?

Hello again, aches and pains.

Theater week is almost here. Two more weeks of hell and then you're free, Body. 

Hang in there. Christmas is just around the corner.

Reminders

And you'll never know what unless you stick around.

Defining

I've finally found the word. The word of the feeling I've tried to describe to so many people. The word I've written about without even realizing. I have been searching for it, and now I have it.

Its rubatosis. And its beautiful. And scary. And alive.

n. the unsettling awareness of your own heartbeat, whose tenuous muscular throbbing feels less like a metronome than a nervous ditty your heart is tapping to itself, the kind that people compulsively hum or sing while walking in complete darkness, as if to casually remind the outside world, I’m here, I’m here, I’m here.

byzantiumtests.com

This is the result:

Your responses indicate that you have a normal desire to share yourself with others. However, this need is not being adequately fulfilled at present.

As a result, you unconsciously attempt to treat this emptiness with momentary interests and temporary passions. If left unaddressed, this imbalance leads to impulsive behavior and unnecessary risks.

Past betrayals have left you generally suspicious of others’ behavior, particularly regarding romantic relationships. You fear you may be exploited if you open yourself too fully. Consequently, you often seek some proof of a new friend’s or lover’s sincerity before you decide to trust them.

Further complicating your relationships is the anxiety you have about your unfulfilled personal and professional goals. You fear that you’ve made decisions that weren’t in your own best interest, or failed to take advantage of opportunities when they presented themselves.

The desire to overcome these challenges sometimes lead you to seem pushy or even arrogant. Because this competitive urge is not always apparent to others, they are often surprised by it.

However, the passion that underlies your desire for success is unique. This makes you unlike others. You cannot simply accept what life has to offer; you aspire for more.

Guys, take this test right now oh my god. This description is so accurate, its frightening.

Sweet Liberty

"America, I believe we can build on the progress we’ve made and continue to fight for new jobs and new opportunity and new security for the middle class. I believe we can keep the promise of our founders, the idea that if you’re willing to work hard, it doesn’t matter who you are or where you come from or what you look like or where you love. It doesn’t matter whether you’re black or white or Hispanic or Asian or Native American or young or old or rich or poor, able, disabled, gay or straight, you can make it here in America if you’re willing to try.”

We did it. We all did it. I feel joy, pride, relief, hope, love.

I couldnt be happier with the prospect of the next four years. C'mon future, lets see what you can toss up.

About Me

“I’m almost never serious, and I’m always too serious. Too deep, too shallow. Too sensitive, too cold hearted. I’m like a collection of paradoxes.”

—	Ferdinand von Schrubentaufft

Presidency

Abuse, sexism, rape, inequality, racism, entitlement, bigotry...

These are the problems I see; the problems that run so rampant throughout our society and the world. This is what makes me sick and angry and infuriated and disgusted. I see it in my own household. I see it across the nation. I see it in our history books and damn it, I do not want to see it in our future.

I want a freer tomorrow. Not a frightened one.

And that idea is just not possible under Romney. No progress will be made. We'll be taking steps back into our not so pleasant past; how are we supposed to move forward with such archaic and prejudiced notions of civility and equality (or rather, inequality)?

As a young woman, I am genuinely concerned for not only my future, but the future of every American citizen if Mitt Romney is elected.

And just like that

And just like that, October is over.

Thanksgiving is in a matter of short weeks.

Christmas is only 7 Fridays away.

Funny how time flies, isn't it? Always so quick when you're not looking, but painfully slow when you're actually paying attention. I just want time to go go go

mush

giddy-up

ride like the wind

Run, Forrest, run

So far none of those phrases have worked. I'm still guessing and checking.

I'll let you guys know if I strike gold.

The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo

TGWTDT hits home. I didn't know it until now, but in many ways, I am Lisbeth Salander. I can relate to that woman so much, its actually scary.

I bet you wouldnt know it, though.

This Time Maybe I'll Be Bulletproof.

Perhaps its because I haven't had dance in a couple days, so my body is all messed up and I'm not high off of exercise or something, but I can't tell if I'm tired or sleepy. I don't know. I feel all dull. Like a RoseArt crayon.

Tonight is one of those night's where the world just doesn't seem big enough. Or maybe its one of those nights where the world is right at my fingertips, I just need to reach out and grasp it. Its a toss up really. Funny how two opposite concepts can be so similar to their core when you break them down.

I don't even know what I'm saying.



Maybe its time to go to bed.

everything hurts

everything hurts

stars

I want to wake up. I want to walk on different streets. See different faces. See how they shine and reflect off the waters of their lives.

Its time to move on.

There's so much I want to accomplish and achieve before my time is up. I just want to get up and get my blood pumping.

People.

I literally don't understand how some people can be so self assured and pretentious about certain things. Perhaps it will sound proud, but I don't think I have a single pretentious bone in my body. I couldn't even deal with the thought of it; in fact, the trait sort of disgusts me... Maybe that's because I have a crippling (aka realistic) sense of self worth and deprecation, but I can't imagine being that lofty. I can't imagine having that much deluded confidence and being that outwardly assuming.

I dunno.

Its sort of fascinating, actually... That is, once you get past the part where you want to smack them in the face with a chair.

Happy October

I'm happy. Elated. 

Life is so surreal sometimes...

What a crazy trip, man.

I don't have anything even somewhat poetic to say.

I'm tired and I'm happy and I'm exhausted

And I'm just plain happy.

"How are you doing?"

I'm doing...

It feels like a starry night, and I'm in the audience; laying on the grass and gazing up. Suddenly, you feel so small and insignificant; like the tiniest speck of dirt on this rock. And you look up and lose track of time. Before you realize it, you're light years away, surfing on some star somewhere, watching a planet crumble. But at the same time you're still nestled in that same itchy, dampness, locked inside the four walls of your skull, with nowhere to go but inward.

So no, I'm not doing badly. I'm just feeling... galactic.

Bloodstream

I am

I

am

a tumor.


My head aches, but its not a headache. Its cranial pain, sharp and throbbing; thoughtful cringes. I can feel my blood pulse throughout the many tunnels of my body. The tunnels that transform into catacombs on no one's agenda but their own.

Boom boom. Boom boom. Boom boom.

If you listen closely, past the white noise, you hear the red noise. And that is the sound of your existence. Ticking away at your life.

Boom boom. Boom boom. Boom boom.

Canon fire. That's what it is.

Boom.

And there it goes.

I pity mountains
that rise from the earth
tall and mighty and breathless
nothing could compare to their stature
they hold their head so high above us all
the brave and the bold might traverse them
the adventurous might tap along their spine
but in the end all they've got is the sun
and even then the sun must say

goodbye

Night life

There is little better than a late night flight.

Flying above the clouds. The moon reflecting off the wing of the plane. The line between sky and earth completely shrouded by darkness; indistinguishable.

And then you look up, and there is nothing but black and stars and silence.

Never have I felt more alone and small and insignificant and important and meaningful.

There is so much we have yet to understand.

There is so much yet to come.


I must live for it all.

I am on the cusp of my life
peering into the pit

And as I stare into the darkness
I cant help but think

What is dark
and what is simply unlit

Rant

Rant Rant Rant RantRant RantRant RantRant RantRant RantRant RantRant RantRant RantRant RantRant RantRant RantRant RantRant RantRant RantRant RantRant RantRant RantRant RantRant RantRant Rant

Rant Ranty Rant Rant.

I am so happy I am out of high school; god, such petty immaturity. Its just so pathetic. I don't know why some people just don't grow up. Now, I want to slough off all the people I put up with and used to know and be friends with. I believe its time for a new start. And however I am not looking forward to going to a local community college, I am absolutely giddy about meeting new people and just starting fresh.

What a relief that'll be, eh?

Sorry for the spittle of negativity. Thanks for handling it.

Strife vs. Strive

After much struggle and debate, I have come to the conclusion that I do not want to do something with my life.

I need to.

I can't be stuck here, wasting my time on hopes and wishes that one day the universe will rotate to my favor and simply click on for me. No, I've got to make myself happy. I've got to strive and flourish. I can't wait another day for a meteor to fall from the sky, granting me impossibilities. And if that means sticking my neck out, getting turned down, having rejection as a constant companion, so be it jedi.

I need to start living before its too late.

I am

alive

       and waiting for the

sunrise

,

here in the kingdom that has no end.

Sunrise, Sunset...

There is nothing more fulfilling, then being alone with yourself.

Bring me the laughter of children.
Bring me the crash of a wave.



I've never felt more at peace with fate. And that certain calmness... It's unsettling, really. To accept. Because accepting requires acknowledging. And if I think too much, I'll never come out of the palace that is my winding mind.

So as I sit here, enjoying the sight of seafoam spray and young specimens of the male persuasion run amuck and pure examples of youth, it makes me feel old. And haggard. I want to swim away forever, and break head first into each swell of salty water.

I want to write. I want to be a writer. I have many things to say.

Sizzle.

Summer is almost here. 

Can you smell it? That complete lack of everything that passes through your nose, and you breath it all in like its some sort of sick addiction. I can hear it. I hear children's laughter gurgle away as they splash into a crystal, chlorine pool. I see the illusion of glistening mirages on the dry, sizzling asphalt, I taste freshness, freedom, luxury.

This summer should be, above all things, good. Hopefully stress-less, considering the lack of homework, and worry free. I'll be able to squeeze in some pleasurable reading, an activity I have since been abandoning more and more because of the over-holiday curriculum. I cant wait to go on road trips and travel with friends and laugh and go to the beach and listen to music and found new relationships and bonds and just relax. This summer I shall feel blissfully alive under the hot summer sun with the people I love, soaking up rays and the California shine.

And I've gotta say, I am looking forward to it. 

Contemplating Butterscotch

Many things are quickly coming to an end. Another season of dance has come and gone; it almost seems surreal to think that just this year we performed the full length Swan Lake (and then some...). With the close of our season, comes the end of careers. Many friends and colleagues will be departing: travelling, going to college, dancing elsewhere... Its always impossibly difficult to lose friends to Fate, but two people's absences hit me especially hard. I have been dancing with my good friends Liana and Kylie since I was in the sixth grade. What is that, 7 years? They are pure inspiration. Pure kindness. And beauty. And love. And I don't know how I will honestly do without them. I've always been by their sides, whether it was for dance or school or girl scouts or something; anything. But now? Nothing. And when that curtain fell for the last time for them, I sobbed. I bawled. Grossly. I will miss those girls, their will power, determination, perseverance, strength, and happiness for many years to come. But I know for a clear fact that they will both lead joyous and full lives, filled to the brim with laughs, smiles, and memories. 

  

Time flies, doesn't it?

I was eating a delicious butterscotch candy a couple days ago. Suddenly, the taste threw me back into the bright white kitchen of my grandparent's house in Sun City. Memories of it flooded my mind, and I haven't really been able to escape them. The knocking thud of the swiveling bar chairs against the counter, the scolding that always followed afterwards, the frozen cashews in the freezer, the purses that were kept in the washing room attached to the kitchen, the mints stashed in my grandmother's slouchy bag that I cherished greedily, the transparent jar filled with golden yellow cellophane wrapped butterscotch candies that sat temptingly by the stove-- the stove I don't remember ever being used. But I remember the sweets.

Its funny, isn't it, what you don't know you actually remember until you're launched into the recesses of your brain. My grandparents are dead now. And I don't know why but I'm crying like a very small child just typing this. I just hope that if there is a heaven, they are looking down and are proud of their daughters and their daughter's children. I guess I never realized just how much I miss them. Not even them personally really, but just miss having grandparents at all. 

I feel like I am the only one sticking around. People are moving on all around me, whether it be permanently or temporarily, everyone is leaving. And I just feel like I'm rotting as I stand here, silent and still.

I dont think I deserve salvation. I'd like to think I do (that is, if it exists), but honestly (if it does) I probably wont make it.

And even though I dont really believe in heaven or hell or anything, its kind of sad and unsettling to think I wont be living my eternity peacefully; that I dont deserve to live it peacefully.

I dunno, man. The things you think of late at night...

The Ambiguity of Texting and the Brain.

I over think things. I really do. 

I think its because I am so inside my own head all the time, so I convince myself of falsities.

But I really want to believe myself this time...

So I think I'm just seeing what I want.

Okay. Its time to just shut up and enjoy the friendship.

Nocturnal Education

I honestly love staying up late and finishing homework. I love the sense of accomplishment. I love guzzling down tea. I love feeling like the walking dead in the morning. I love knowing that I've made myself proud. I love listening to different mixes in order to spark my interest and keep me going.

I just love grinding my gears.

So, goodnight and good morning. Cold War, here I come.

(for once, I'm not being sarcastic.)

(shocker, right?) 

(not my image, but oh well!)

Rejuvenation

Uhm, hi blog. Remember me? Yeah, I know. We used to be really close. I'm sorry my faith wavered, but I'm back now and I desperately hope you'll forgive me. I know, I know. Its been months. But I was really wishing we could look past it? And start fresh?

Yes...?

Ugh, thank you blog. You are such a saint. I dont know why you bother settling for me. You deserve so much better...

So lets get right to it.

I am well... hmm, wow. I havent done this in such a long time, I've completely forgotten how to do whatever it is I am attempting to do. Uhm, do you take this man to be your-- No, that isnt right... I pledge allegiance to the fl-- No, that isnt it either... Here's what you missed on Glee-- Incorrect... Hi my name is Erikka and I'm an alcoholi-- Wrong again.

Lets just start out like this: Do you know what I fear? I fear that God exists, and I have been wasting my life thinking that the notion is implausible. I constantly worry that if He or She or It or Whatever is out there, what does that person or thing do with all the non-believers who are still very decent people? Honestly, I'm worried that I'll go to Hell, if it exists. 

Life is long, but death is longer.

And although I believe that when we die, we simply turn back into the rotting piles of shit we can sometimes be... I cant help but wonder. I believe the truly ignorant are those who can accept no other alternatives and cant even begin to conceive other possibilities. 

... In other news, here. Have a praying bunny. 

How's that for damn rejuvenation?